You are a good storyteller, the reader’s eye gets carried along very easily, and you are generally easy to follow. You, like myself and a lot of other people, pack in a lot to the sentence, overloading it with information. You need to watch your sentences, avoiding run on sentences, and breaking them up as you have to.
I would try to rewrite the paper in a summary so you know what is going on through its stages, or what the point of each paragraph is. I am beginning to see what the usefulness of this technique myself in using an outline summary to have another avenue of seeing my writings. Using your story, create an outline of what you have, in order to see what you can do with it, what it looks like as a whole, etc. Then you can look at each part to see if it serves its function.
I think you write like I do, just dumping ideas on paper, but then find difficulty knowing what to do with it, and how to go about fine tuning it. I think it would really help you to try to define what the overall message or theme is of the story is, versus what you are trying to say in this essay. To me it is how Whitney Houston has been a part of your life, how you grew up with her, how she was an influence and role model. Is that it? Is that what you are trying to say? Are you doing that efficiently? Why not? I think it is by examining it through an outline that you will be able to see it better and answer these questions to your satisfaction. Hope this helps.
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