The Letter of Desperation (The Allied Electric Experiment 11-20-12)

This is a letter that I wrote in desperation to get my job back, to keep the financial pipe flowing, after being "laid off" from Allied Electric Co. in February of 2010. I wasn't really happy there, had been taking many liberties that I shouldn't have and got reckless in the performances of my job, and eventually it caught up with me. My little boss had probably already had his mind made up when he said he discovered me "hiding" in the basement, it was just the excuse to give me in kicking me out the door. Never knowing that I had 99 weeks of unemployment benefits coming, and that it would be the greatest thing that ever happened to me, the final wake up call I needed to finally pursue my dream of writing and obtaining a college degree, I wrote this piece of shit in a desperate attempt to get the powers that be to reconsider their dismissal of my pleasurable self. If they had taken me back, I would still be there, miserable as hell, or would have only gotten fired for another reason, at another time. I guess God didn't want me to be picking up job sites, dealing with miserable electricians, jumping in and out of a truck in the cold, the rain, and the snow, wasting my precious life on sitting still and pissing my life down the toilet, all for the sake of having regular and steady employment in order to pay my bills and maintain my miserable existence, always living in his daydreams, but never doing anything in the direction of making them real. I wrote this letter in a desperate attempt to regain my good graces and my weekly paycheck. Thank God for everyone involved they had sense to dismiss my foolish ass, giving me the freedom to pursue bigger and better things. Enjoy.  

 "I noticed some of you became cold to me ever since the fiber optic cable was stolen from the compound after I had put it there. I could not conceive that someone would climb a fence topped with barbed wire, lift the thing, climb back out, all the while surrounded by windows and probably some people watching. I grew up in the suburbs where theft from neighbors is not so common and never so aggressive. The point I am trying to make here is is that I am not responsible for the theft. I am responsible for being gullible and I still feel the sting of Bruce’s and Barb’s upset that day, and for any blame that was directed at Ryan for a mistake that was solely my responsibility. And I did feel tremendous shame for a long time after that, when I would be standing near you and you wouldn’t acknowledge me, wouldn’t say hello unless I did, sometimes not even responding when I did greet you. That is why I set for myself the task of making that basement organized to perfection, which was how I was going to redeem myself.

I had worked in a supermarket for a couple of years and everything had to be just so. You were responsible for the orderliness of an area, every label had to face forward, certain items had to be at eye level, like product with like product, etc. It was my intent to arrange your basement in a similar manner. Perfectly. And after I organized it I was going to inventory everything so Ryan did not have to go into the basement but look in a notebook to see if we had a certain item before digging through it all.

You made an assumption that I was hiding and not doing anything. If you saw me when I was making deliveries I was not simply standing there watching other people unload, I jumped in when I could and grabbed something. If given the choice between something heavy or light I took the heavier object. I did this because my job was mostly sedentary and I needed the exercise, and I knew these electricians worked hard enough. I thought of it as good karma. When was the last time anyone from the job site complained about me?

When John Penny came into the basement and saw me and said “Joe’s down here hiding” and I responded with one of my inappropriate comments, (like I always do) “shh”, did you actually think I was serious Ryan? I was not gloating but making one of my jokes, after all this time you should know my sense of humor.

My sense of humor is “shock and awe”, the “what did he just say” type of humor. This may give the impression of being antisocial but from my careful study of comedians, that is what appears to be the most funny, the punch line often a way of perceiving that made sense but not from a direction usually taken. Unfortunately people don’t know me that well and I am unable to clarify myself, and so began, what I believe to be, a series of misunderstandings. For me it was all about the joke and not how I appeared, yet now I realize appearance is more important than jokes.

I was not in the basement hiding and staring at the wall all day, but had several projects I was working on at once. There was a box I left in the corner underneath where the door to the compound is, that I was going to cut and put those little white boxes that I think are fire alarm stuff. I had planned on segregating and dividing that stuff into boxes I was bringing down to the basement. I had planned on cleaning and moving some stuff to the opposite corner where the breaker panels are. I had planned on putting exit signs on the empty shelf behind where the explosion proof stuff was. I was making room in several locations for material. I had started to arrange the boxes on the shelves that are underneath Bruce’s office. I had been going through the Caddy stuff to make sure the boxes had what they said they had and consolidating boxes of similar items. I was trying to figure out how to arrange the Caddy stuff, by alphabetical or numerical order. What you don’t know is that if I wasn’t actually moving something then I was looking and planning where I could move something. I was going to and fro several areas of the basement, measuring space, cleaning, figuring where the best locations were for certain items would be better off. I was even trying to figure out how to use the rafters in the ceiling for shelf space. Just because something had been where it was for years did not mean that was the best available space for the material. A lot of shelf space is wasted in your basement.     

Some things stood out over others, some things just became to me pieces of metal and plastic, that’s why I was able to organize some areas more readily (paint, boxes, and mud rings) than others. I do not have the benefit of working with this stuff for years, knowing what it is for, how and when it is used, what is worthless and what is salvageable.  I do know you see this material as an investment and I agonized about what I was going to do with it.

To you the steel boxes may seem organized but to me they are still unorganized, the boxes and their corresponding mud rings and cover plates should be put together but I was given the impression just to get it done and move on. I may, perhaps, be more meticulous than what is necessary.

I would go through every single box, not only to arrange the items but also because I found that underneath what appeared to be one item, would have another type of item at the bottom. I thought it was necessary to do this because a few times I was given a box from the basement to deliver and but when I got to the job site and it was opened, contained something else, and I was left standing there looking like an ignorant fool. I do not enjoy being seen as anything less than intelligent and those instances left lasting impressions with me. I remember my mistakes.

In the end I set myself an overly ambitious task and then got lost in how to implement it. So instead of doing one area I would work in several areas at once, trying to plan how or where certain items should go, for instance, like least to most used. I wanted everything in as perfect order like I organized the paint but I realize now that I should have just simply organized and found a home for it. 

When my mother died I had only worked for a few hours that Monday morning before my grandmother called me and I left. Yet I was paid for that whole week even though I only worked a few hours. You also let me use the stake rack without which it would have been extremely difficult to deal with my mother’s property. I am eternally grateful for that and have been upset over the weekend that you would think that I would steal from someone who would treat me like that. This was the first job I ever had that I did not feel like I was just another body, another piece of meat to someone.  I apologize if I had not communicated how continually grateful I was for that.   

In pain from my back adjustments and lately sick, and I was going to school full time, often staying up to two or three a.m. to perfect and complete assignments. It is necessary for me to do well academically as a degree demonstrates intellect to others. I would come to work a few hours later and be too tired to concentrate, unable to plan and make decisions, unable to retain information easily. I took on too much and it affected my work and I apologize for that. I have since dropped two of my courses as it was beginning to effect me physically as well; I am losing weight and too tired for other obligations.

            I may, at times, appear awkward, lazy, or stupid but the reality is that I have been seriously injured on the job (once almost losing an eye, another time a toe, both times due to other people’s carelessness) and am often afraid of being injured. And then to start a job and see some employees with terrible looking scars was very intimidating for me. For a long time I wondered “would that happen to me”? After sometime though, I realized that I was surrounded by intelligent and thoughtful people, and that injury on this job was highly avoidable. I realize that is very important to be knowledgeable and safe in what you are doing. That is why I tried to be more methodical and deliberate with some of my tasks.

            No one knows how long it takes me at various suppliers, how I may have to wait for someone to pull the order, how I help them get the stuff (even though I may violating their insurance policy, a non employee in the warehouse), load and organize the truck by delivery. The better the delivery is organized the faster it gets off the truck when I get to my destination, the less confusion and misplacement there is when a team of electricians come out and start grabbing any old thing off the truck before they know what is theirs.  

            It was expressed to me that I have not grasped the material yet I know what to give to one foreman and what goes to another when I make deliveries. I believe, after a year on this job, that I know more than what I don’t know. When was the last time any electrician complained about their order? When was the last time I gave material to the wrong foreman, or showed up without something because I forgot to go to a certain place? I had learned to check my orders to make sure everything that was on my order sheet was given to me by the supplier. If something was not there, I found out why, notified Ryan, and then notified the foreman of any changes or omissions to their order.

I don’t speed or play games with your company’s vehicles. I took pride in keeping the vehicles I drove clean and free of debris.

For all the hours I drive off and on the job, how many times have I been in an accident or got a ticket? I am a safe driver who often tries to avoid high risk areas if possible. I take pride in being a safe and deliberate driver, knowing multiple routes to all of the job sites, often spending time out of work looking at my atlas or looking at mapquest for new locations.   

             

            I have, multiple times, volunteered to come after work to drop something off when an electrician only remembered something he needed after I arrived, that we had at the shop, and that he needed it first thing in the morning. I have often been discouraged from doing this.

           

            Except for the rare occasion, I am on time, and usually the first person there.

            I lifted weights and lost weight so I could be a more efficient worker, so I could lift nitrogen tanks, four inch galvanized pipe, and other awkward and heavy objects as required by the job. I did this so I had more stamina and strength for my job, as I do not need it for anything else. I am not into sports and my home life is mostly sedentary. I did it so I could keep up with the electricians if we had to carry conduit up and down hills, over distances, so I could move the material as quickly and effectively as they did. I did it so it would be easier to carry orders, without assistance, up several flights of stairs like I did at the Bernadine. I did it so that it would be easier to unload the truck myself, being ashamed as a man to ask for help, I felt I was bothering foremen who would then have to gather apprentices and lose valuable time from their work. If I knew where it was supposed to go I would put it away myself and then go seek a signature. Once, at the 174^th, Lee had ordered 1800 feet of conduit and I did not bother to call him and ask for help when I arrived, I unloaded it by myself. A day or two later when he wanted to return it, I loaded it on to the truck, by myself, and without complaint. I did this almost on a daily basis. Jim Doring, as of late, has remarked to me that I don’t call him anymore when I arrive. I take pride in not needing someone to stop what they are doing and come out and help me if avoidable. I make myself stronger to get respect from the people who surround me, as muscle conveys strength and vitality, something that has been glaringly lacking in my life for years.

             You have invested a year in someone with several strengths and a few weaknesses. I don’t think that I was a wholly bad employee and unable to change. I have gotten a lot better over time and will continue to do so. Do you really want to go through having to retrain someone new, in all the places that they would have to go, the items that they would have collect, the paperwork, and all the other minutiae? Do you want to put the foremen through all the hold ups and confusion this will entail before this new person gets it down? 

            No one knows the city and Central NY like I do. I am familiar with all the major cities and towns in the area, from Auburn, Oneida, Cortland, and much of the area in between. Does your company have the time and money for someone who doesn’t?

             I always struggled to be one of the stronger members of the organization, and aspired to be an asset to the company.

            If you believe that I got paid for labor I did not do, set a dollar amount, and have me work at a reduced pay until I pay back what you think I owe. If you want me to, I would be happy to reimburse you for the fiber optic cable, over a period of time of course. If it is slow financially, have me come in to make deliveries, then send me home. Lay me off for a period of time but please consider allowing me to come back.

            I chose to write this letter as I believed it would be the most effective way of communicating my ideas to you instead of trying to speak to several of you at once in person. I anticipated some of you would want to speak, comment, or ask questions, and whatever message I would try to get across would be forgotten. I also anticipated getting emotional, which for me, is socially taboo. I needed to make a clear and precise communication, rather than walking away half understood/half misunderstood, with all the important and lasting points forgotten when it mattered most. I wanted my words to be given your undivided attention and consideration, especially if this was to be the last communication I had with you.

                                                                                    Sincerely,

                                               

                                                                                    Joseph Melanson 480-##$!.